SquarePants Invictus, the Unconquered Sponge

SpongeBob SquarePants is a popular American children’s cartoon that originally aired in 1999. It chronicles the adventures of the title character and his friends in the underwater town of Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob lives in a submerged pineapple and loves his job as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob is not exclusively solar in nature, but has many solar qualities. He attends school to achieve a personal goal, has a healthy ego and self-image, and has excellent physical health in general. His pineapple home is also solar in nature.¹ In The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie,² SpongeBob and his best friend undergo death and rebirth on a journey to retrieve King Neptune’s stolen crown. Retrieving the crown allows SpongeBob to save the life of his boss (Mr. Krabs) and free the citizens of Bikini Bottom from mind control. Likewise, the Roman deity Sol Invictus (Lat. Unconquered Sun) undergoes the death-rebirth process, as the Sun rises, sets, and then rises again each day.

Here, we will perform an invo-evocation of SquarePants Invictus, the Unconquered Sponge. In invo-evocations, invocation and evocation are performed simultaneously. One volunteer will invoke SpongeBob while the other participants evoke him. Under the supervision of Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob will consecrate solar talismans by “cooking” them to perfection with his spatula.

Materials

Seashells or other nautical paraphernalia (to make a triangle)
Krusty Krab employee hat for SpongeBob (glue a picture of a blue anchor on a white baseball cap with a blue brim)
Spatula for SpongeBob
Miniature table or portable grill (to pretend “cook” your solar talismans)
Two plates (to hold “uncooked” and “cooked” talismans)
Craft supplies (to make hamburger patty-shaped solar talismans, one per participant)
Money for each participant to pay Mr. Krabs (shiny coins or small sunstones work well)

Note: Purification typically precedes consecration. Here, the craft supplies are purified beforehand to save time.

Gnosis

The volunteer invoking Mr. Krabs may use any preferred method. The volunteer invoking SpongeBob may chant and use any additional preferred method. Other participants may chant and (optionally) “drop on the deck and flop like a fish,” as per the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.³

Preparation

Each participant should create a round solar talisman using the craft supplies. They may be as simple or as elaborate as you wish. You may use popular solar talisman designs such as those in Picatrix,⁴ The Key of Solomon the King,⁵ or Agrippa’s Three Books of Occult Philosophy.⁶ Alternatively, you may create magic square-based solar talismans aimed at a specific purpose (see Figure 1 and Table 1).

Figure 1. The solar magic square in (a) Arabic and (b) Hebrew numerical formats. Note that יה and יו are divine names, so are ordinarily written as טו and טז, respectively.

English	Hebrew
Be healthy! (targeting a man)	תהיה בריא
Be healthy! (targeting a woman)	תהיי בריאה
Have a complete recovery! (i.e., Get well!)	רפואה שלמה
Success (noun)	הצלחה
[Personal or spiritual] growth (noun)	צמיחה

Table 1. Solar-themed Hebrew phrases.

Make a triangle on the floor with the nautical paraphernalia. It should be large enough to hold the volunteer invoking SpongeBob, the small table or portable grill, plate of “uncooked” (unconsecrated) solar talismans, and empty plate for “cooked” (consecrated) solar talismans.

Statement of Intent

It is our will to consecrate and charge solar talismans.

Procedure

After the ritual area is prepared and participants have taken their places, the volunteer invoking Mr. Krabs should perform an invoking solar GRH to bound the ritual area. When the space is sufficiently filled with solar energy, the volunteer may proceed to invoke Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob have a strong father-son dynamic, so SpongeBob will obey his commands. Mr. Krabs sounds like a Scottish pirate. The Mr. Krabs invocation is:

I am Eugene Harold Krabs, owner of the Krusty Krab and keeper of the secret Krabby Patty formula. I love money, and money loves me. EMURT INUM. Counting me money. Money sweeter than honey. EMURT INUM. Money money this, money money that. EMURT INUM. Profit will make me wallet fat. EMURT INUM. Tonight, we cook for special guests!

After Mr. Krabs has been invoked, proceed with the SpongeBob invo-evocation. The volunteer invoking SpongeBob should raise the spatula high in the air for the duration of the invocation. For each sentence of invocation, Mr. Krabs and the other participants should remain outside the triangle and reply with one sentence of evocation. The invo-evocation is:

Invocation	Evocation
SquarePants Invictus, almighty sponge, I invoke thee!	SquarePants Invictus, almighty sponge, we evoke thee!
I am SquarePants Invictus, the yellow one!	SquarePants Invictus, by imaginaaation,* we call you!
I am SquarePants Invictus, The Unconquered Sponge!	SquarePants Invictus, by imaginaaation,* we call you!
I am SquarePants Invictus, porous and absorbent!	SquarePants Invictus, by the symbol of the Sun,** come now!
I am Squarepants Invictus, lord of the pineapple under the sea!	SquarePants Invictus, by the symbol of the Sun,** come now!
Hail unto me, SquarePants Invictus!	All hail SquarePants Invictus!***
Hail unto me, the Unconquered Sponge!	All hail the Unconquered Sponge!***
Hail unto me, SquarePants Invictus!	All hail SquarePants Invictus!***
Hail unto me, SquarePants Invictus!	All hail SquarePants Invictus!***
Hail unto me, SquarePants Invictus!	All hail SquarePants Invictus!***
Hail unto me, SquarePants Invictus!	All hail SquarePants Invictus!***

Actions denoted by the asterisks are as follows: *The imaginaaation gesture appearing in the Season 3 episode “Idiot Box.” To perform the gesture, place your hands with palms adjacent in front of your chest. Raise your hands above your head, and then separate them symmetrically to make a rainbow’s arc. **Draw the astronomical symbol of the Sun in front of your chest. ***Perform a Roman adoratio by kissing the top of your right hand and then extending your right arm towards the volunteer invoking SpongeBob.

The volunteer invoking SpongeBob should chant FACH CHODAS CHABOJ (Ouranian Barbaric: I awaken the Sun) until fully invoked. The evokers should chant WOBUUN UPAWON CHABOJ (I worship the deity in you, as you become the Sun), and then switch to HEV QADEBIJIGAWAX FRONEKOM (Empower the excellent food) when SpongeBob is fully invoked. Evokers may also “drop on the deck and flop like a fish,” as per the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song, if compelled to do so.

Mr. Krabs should encourage SpongeBob to “cook” the solar talismans to perfection and ensure everything runs smoothly. Mr. Krabs should also distribute the consecrated solar talismans to each participant and take payments while saying, “Sorry. Absolutely no refunds!” After SpongeBob is finished “cooking” the talismans and Mr. Krabs has distributed them, they may be dismissed.

Banishing

Banish with laughter. Enjoy your talisman!

References

¹Cunningham, Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs, Llewellyn Publications, 1998.

²“The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie,” Paramount Pictures, 2004.

³“SpongeBob SquarePants Theme Song,” SpongeBob SquarePants, The Yellow Album, Nick Records, 2005.

⁴The Picatrix: Liber Rubeus Edition, translated by John Michael Greer and Christopher Warnock, Adocentyn Press, 2010-2011.

⁵The Key of Solomon the King, edited and translated by S. L. MacGregor Mathers, Dover Publications, 2009.

⁶Agrippa, Three Books of Occult Philosophy, edited and annotated by Donald Tyson, Llewellyn Publications, 2004.

Originally published: March 10, 2025